Tuesday, 14 February 2012

The Doctor ~ On his way to infinity...





The Doctor howled as thick jellied waste squirmed down his forearms. The lumps of amniotic mucus shifted and rearranged like icebergs lost over incarnadine flotsam and the room filled with the inert echoes of death. The halcyon melodies of yesterday now piped the muffled song of decay as the breathless woman lay on the hospital bed, like a marble sculpture, unmoving. The Doctor had been emptied of his soul and thrown into the shadowed chambers of despair where all roads lead back to exile. 

The days leading up to this tragedy had seemed strange, as if a portent messenger itself had hoisted the Sun each morning. Peculiar weather patterns shifted by the hour with polemic schizophrenia, leaving the meteorology department in dumbfounded befuddlement. The morning papers reported sightings of strange red hazes emanating from clouds and bizarre incidents taking place beneath the shroud of night. Dustbins had gone missing in their entirety from residential streets. Domestic refuse now pilled up in the Poundbank Estate and children romped betwixt disused bathroom appliances and rotting food.

Despite Doctor Bage's academic notoriety, financial decadence had evaded his family. The contentious subject of his doctorate forced him into the forgotten institutional grottos of academia, every aspect of his funding was fought for tooth and claw or bestowed upon him by eccentric benefactors. One such patron was Lord Massingberd, a fat pompadoured homosexual of ruddy complexion. Not an unkind man, Massingberd had given over the west wing of his Gloucstershire estate to aid in the Doctor's research. The facility came complete with an underground complex suitable for housing more sensitive experiments and clandestine projects. To enter the sunken laboratory one had to first gain access to the secret lift shaft. This lay behind the library wall on the ground floor of the west wing. Here Bage had installed a device so often seen in spy movies. When a specific book was pulled forward by the upper tip it cranked a lever that released the entire bookshelf to open. Bage had chosen Mary Shelley's 1818 horror tale 'Frankenstein' as the book to activate the process. Since a young age he had been captivated by the gruesome story of the lonesome scientist and could think of no novel better suited to the job. The concealed lift was styled with an ornate design based on Egyptian patterning and made the plummet in a swift four seconds. Sixty feet below ground the air was laden with moisture and the walls were stained with viridescent slime. Towering iron buttresses supported the roof from collapsing on the Doctor's experimental miscellany that cluttered the laboratory floor; Automatons, clockworks in multiple forms, vials of quicksilver bubbling in tubes littered the concrete floor. It was in this subterranean edifice that the Doctor received the news that now had him mewling with agony beneath the artificial light of the trauma ward.

Lord Massingberd approached the Doctor with care and concern. When he delivered the awful news Bage collapsed to the ground like a deflated balloon, before composing himself and stumbling to the service lift. The morning was dressed in a blanket of cold fog and plumes of misty breath bellowed from Bage's mouth as he fumbled for the keys to Massingberd's 1954 vermilion Thunderbird. The engine took three attempts and manic throttling before it sputtered in life. The piston rod whipped back and forth as if it was soon to burst through the crankshaft and whale into empty space. Bage drove at suicidal speeds towards the accident, he swung round the narrow corners with little regard for what awaited him. It seemed like days before the characteristic blue flashing lights could be seen reflecting off the green topiary. 

The recent unusual weather patterns bought with them a wave of fatal accidents. Lizzie Pocock, a domestic employee for Lord Massingberd, was currently recovering in hospital after a car accident that followed a series of flash downpours. Out of nowhere a wall of rain cascaded onto the road sending her car into an aqua-plane towards the central reservation. She suffered cuts, bruises, a broken arm and six shattered ribs. Another local resident known to the Doctor was killed after an electrical fire raged through his pub. The pub landlord was trapped after a dry storm dislodged the wiring that ran throughout the establishment. This sparked a blaze that eventually burnt the publican to death in an orange fulminating prison, his screams were lost amongst the crackling of flesh and the punches of splintering wood. It seemed these terrors had now extended their ghoulish palms towards the doctor's closest ally, his wife Rose. 

She had woken early in the morning to the clattering of wooden shutters against cold stone. Untameable winds attacked their marital house from every angle. Like an invisible army it tore pieces from the structure and tossed them into the elegiac sky. From the window, Rose heard the querulous cries of an animal in wretched agony. The mellifluous baying of yesterday had given way to the muted howls of terror as a lamb had become stuck in the barbed wire separating the fields. Unable to release itself, the wind forced the young creature unceasingly onto the rusted spikes. Puncture wounds gushed into the lamb's wool, like cochineal shells scrubbed over stones the creature was turning a pale shade of red. Rose knew the animal would soon die if she didn't intervene. 

She hurried down the spindled staircase towards the front door. The old key jammed in its warded lock before it flew open, rattling into the oak portico. She fought against the lashing eastern wind and made a progress towards the yowling wretch. The wind almost tossed Rose into the wire herself before she dropped to her knees to attend to the lamb. Her maternal instincts had driven her out into the storm and her thoughts now turned to her own child trapped in her belly. 




Monday, 13 February 2012

The Infinite Cat's Wish~Bone - 'Are You Happy?' - Take 2




The wind whips high and the thunder gets grip.
There's a darkness on the ocean that's resounding in the mist.
The lilies turn brown on Aventine Hill
And the words get lost from the window sill.

Are you Happy at least half the time?

All the lightening sights that never get seen,
You couldn't hear the opus for the distance in-between.
The witches scream when the smoke gets thick,
the cellar door's a' creaking and you never made the list.

Are you Happy at least half the time?

The World laughs with you but you weep alone
And we're all passing through here just like a rolling stone
The World laughs with you but you weep alone

Are you Happy at least half the time?

Friday, 3 February 2012

FRANKENSTEIN: THE MODERN PROMETHEUS

 
"I saw — with shut eyes, but acute mental vision — I saw the pale student of unhallowed arts kneeling beside the thing he had put together." - Mary Shelley
 
Victor Frankenstein's abominable "wretch" creeps about the hallways of the musical canon with spooky frequency. Since the novel was first published in 1818 the creature has been the inspiration for myriad tunes, some of which are embedded within the ravines of this article. The novel achieved a second publication after being popularised, among others sources, in a stage production by Richard Brinsley Peake (1823) and has since been recreated using every artistic endeavour available.
 
The story follows the exploits of Victor Frankenstein, a brilliant young scientist with a taste for the 'unhallowed arts' of galvanism. From the depraved depths of the ill-fated, Frankenstein brings forth a creature doomed by the curse of emotional isolation. Far from the beautiful being Frankenstein hoped to make, the "vile insect" was an abhorrent, eight-foot fiend racked with the countenance of Milton's Belial. To forge the "daemon" Victor "collected bones from the charnel-houses and disturbed, with profane fingers, the tremendous secrets of the human frame." He collected gruesome shanks of animal and human from the "dissecting-room and the slaughter-house". This reanimation of muted flesh brought forth a succession of tragedy.
 
Immanuel Kant first coined the term "Modern Prometheus" when referring to Benjamin Franklin and his experiments with electricity. These experiments led to the invention of the lightning rod and 'positivity' and 'negativity' as a device to describe charge. Shelley uses the term as a metaphorical allusion throughout the novel. Prometheus was the Titan from Greek mythology who created man and gave us fire. Shelly sees this bestowing of 'carnal light' as the catalyst for horror. Fire leads to the hunt, murder. Prometheus stole fire from the Gods as Frankenstein stole the divine power of creation to deliver his monster.
 
What has that divine creativity spawned in the form of music? Below we deliver the Top 5 howling Frankenstein songs:
 
Top 5. Frankenstein Tracks:
 
 
Popularised in Wayne's World, Cooper's track tells the story of a cannibal rapist with the insatiate desire to 'drink the wine from your fur tea cup'. Wow - I didn't realise how shit this song was - it's staying in the list though.
 
 
 
Released in August 1962, Monster Mash has been a staple Halloween soundtrack ever since. The song follows a mad scientist whose creation, late one evening, rises from a operating slab to perform a new dance. This jig swiftly becomes "the hit of the land" when the scientist throws a jamboree for the other monsters. It's been covered by everyone from The Beach Boys to the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band but "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?" - unlucky Dracula.
 
 
 
This track got its name after Edgar Winter spliced together 100s of different bits of tape, which he had recorded himself on multiple instruments, echoing Frankenstein's own horrific jigsaw. The track also stands out for featuring some of the worst dressed men in musical history. Never have we witnessed four men looking like Noel Fielding's rainbow tampon, and thought they looked alright - so no change here then. 
 
 
 
This tenacious musician has made a million different allusions to the Modern Prometheus in his work. Any number of his amazing mixes cater for the monster-obsessed music lover. We strongly suggest you get over his blog right now and download one of his Bloody Halloween Mixes.
 
 
Steven Tyler disclosed that the band saw Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein late one evening following a recording session for their album Toys in the Attic. He became inspirited by a gag scene where Igor instructs Dr. Frankenstein to “walk this way” and then shuffles in an amusing manner (which the doctor mimics). Tyler thought the phrase was great, and he and Joe Perry used it as the title of what became one of the band’s best-known songs.

Thursday, 26 January 2012




When waking from sleep, raise your medicine ball head, draw open your eyelids like blinds and let the heavenly glory shine in. Today is your chance to discover 'The Origin and Goal of History'. It was German philosopher Karl Jaspers who first coined the term 'Axial Age' to denote the spiritual transformations taking place between 800 and 200 BCE. It was the era of Confucius, Socrates, Buddha, Laozi, Phythagorus, Jeremiah and more, known as the Axial Sages. These revolutionary spiritual insights arrived against a background of violence and horror.
 
The word 'belief' only arose in the 17th Century to mean the acceptance of certain doctrines. Etymologically 'belief' comes from the Old English word 'geleafa' - meaning to love. It was through love and compassion that one came closer to God. Confucius, 500 years before Christ, came up with the idea of the 'Golden Rule' - "What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others."
 
When we come into contact with this type of selfless, egoless existence, only then do we come to know God. A beautiful example of this can be found in The Iliad. In Homer's epic poem the Trojan Prince Hector kills Achilles' beloved friend Patroclus, encouraging the Greek warrior to return to a battle he was leaving. When Achilles gets hold of Hector he kills him and subsequently mutilates his body. Spitefully Achilles holds onto the body not allowing the proper burial rites, in Greek culture this would have meant Hector's soul was damned to wandering eternally lost. So Priam, the Trojan king, sneaks into the Greek camp disguised. He supplicates Achilles and asks for his son's body back to bury - "I have endured what no one on earth has ever done before--I put to my lips the hands of the man who killed my son". 
 
Priam reminds Achilles of his own father and they come to the agreement that he can have Hector's body back. At that moment they fill the room with tears. The sharing of tears held a religious power in Classical Greece. As they are weeping together they see each other as divine. It was the mutual compassion that raised the experience of God.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

BRYAN FERRY MARRIES 29-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND



Roxy Music's Bryan Ferry has married girlfriend Amanda Sheppard in a "private" and "simple" ceremony. The union was sealed on the islands of Turks and Caicos, a final Caribbean* outpost for the convulsing carrion of British colonialism. At 66 Bryan is no spring chicken, more of a winter chicken burger on the way to the mouth of destiny, and he has raised many an eyebrow after marrying PR girlfriend Amanda Sheppard. She is 36 years Ferry's junior and is rumoured to have dated his son Issac.

But Ferry is not the sort of man to allow the ruffling of his feathers by critics and ill-wishers. In fact he considers the sexing of younger women almost obligatory. Following the divorce from his first wife Ferry started dating dancer Katie Turner, 35 years his junior. Ferry spoke to the Mail On Sunday about his philandering with younger women:

'The interesting thing is - and I don’t want to say the wrong thing in case I get into trouble with my girlfriend - you never really meet people your own age who aren’t married.

'I’m very fortunate that I work in music, where you’re in touch with different age groups, either the audience or people you work with.

'It does help. Obviously I’m not ageist!'


Ferry has had a string of high profile relationships including Jerry Hall, who later left him for Mick Jagger.

The story has started trending on entertainment websites and courting comment on social networks. One mildly incensed fan had this to say:

"I have a message for  Bryan - This makes you a player! but also a little odd. If I married my son's ex it would feel a little like I was staring at my own asshole for the rest of my life - sort it out Bry!"

another:

"Bryan I can't believe your girlfriend is so HOT, you've got a face like a bag of old smashed crabs! #craddlesnatcher"

Well good luck from the infinite cat - don't watch the film Damage it will keep you awake at night.


* I had a mental block trying to spell Caribbean, attempted 14 different versions before seeking help from the Dictionary. In the process of discovering the correct spelling I devised a helpful way to remember it: "In the Caribbean you carry one rib and one bean" - total genius, feel free to help your children learn with it.